White weddings have become the epitome of love; something which used to be the playground of the affluent has become a necessity for even the poor.
It’s no more a luxury---every woman and perhaps man wants to have a white wedding and this is simply because the societal conditioning has worked so well.
Growing up, weddings used to be every girl’s dream and like most dreams, not every girl really lived to see it in manifestation at her backyard. And that was normal; no one died or killed herself over not having her fairytale wedding dream come to pass.
In fact, even as a child, we knew we wouldn’t necessary get that---it remained a wild wish which we sometimes discussed. But today, the conversation is always about weddings: from salons to the road side waakye joint, where two or three young women have gathered, the wedding aroma is in their midst.
It’s just not only the conversational pressure which is causing the havoc, several wedding planning companies have emerged, beautiful and expensive wedding venues have cropped out with attractive advertisements---and more importantly, the church has become the biggest endorser of exorbitant weddings, encouraging those who can and cannot afford to take this path. There’s no month that my church will not host a full or quasi-white wedding. Here, if the words of those who mount the podium each Sunday are not enough to coerce anyone, the happenings are loudly enough to define your path---and make you think that, weddings are the only way forward.
Therefore, settling for anything less than the white man's way of marriage is an insane compromise on your human dignity. The wedding advertisements are all over and various churches have special prayer days for those seeking for marriage---with pastors promising each and everyone that their white wedding is just hanging in the air above their heads, soon, it will land. If up to this stage you are so thick not to have realized what I’m driving at; then let me make it simpler for your f**king retarded mind.
I am saying, society and its institutions have succeeded in coding white weddings into our DNAs---aggressively and subtly pressuring us all to walk towards this path. It’s been cunningly done in such a way that most women today believe it’s an entitlement, not a gift which solely rests on affordability and grace.
One of my male friends with whom I graduated from the University of Ghana less than 5 years ago got married about four months ago in Accra---at a pink and blue themed wedding which cost Mr and Mrs’ entire savings account plus a loan of 12000 GHS.
It was a beautiful wedding; simple but elegant---quiet but amazing. The woman that I am loved it but considering my financial strength and being in the known as to that of my friend, I kept wondering how the young graduates were affording such a profligate marriage ritual on the day of the wedding. Of course my honest concern about this did not stop me from eating and drinking as much---and even took home two takeaway plastic bowls for dinner and then the other to be eaten the next morning.
In return, I had wrapped a mug that my sister brought from Spain that she didn’t really like as my wedding gift. That’s all I gave out; after all, they had their money and wanted to blow it on a white wedding, I was just expected to grace the occasion in my tall heels and help them spend their money. My friend is in his late 20s---let me mention it, he is 29 and the wife is 27. They are all graduates, still in their first employment.
They have no investments and have not even asked about the price of a land or any property. They are part of the pack of hustlers who fight over trotro each morning to get to work----yet, they managed to stage such a ‘classic’ wedding which was officiated by 3 pastors from their various churches.
I am certain they went through weeks of counselling and I am also sure, none of the counselors bordered to examine their financial strength, their readiness to host this grand ceremony financially---or where they were getting the funds from.
If they actually evaluated this and gave the go ahead for these two young adults to start a life in debt, so they can fulfill a childhood fairy tale which somewhat has been entrenched into our adult minds by society, then these counselors must have a huge stone in their heads called conscience. According to my friend, it’s been one quarrel after another since they got married---and since his wife moved to live with him, in the boys quarters of the not completed building of his parents. The newly married couple moved in to live with the parents of the man and were given food on weekdays when they had to work by these parents. Surely, they contributed financially to groceries and bills...
This may sound weird and a little uncomfortable for you if you have your thinking faculty still in place but this is totally not strange or a case in isolation. It’s even worse than this for some newly wedded couples---a lot of them move in to squeeze themselves in a small chamber and hall at remote sessions of Accra.
Interestingly, two days after weddings, the church and every family member forget about you---it’s time to face reality. The party is over at your end, the church moves on to the next available victim and the family starts pressuring the next in line to also get married, using Akosua Bruwaa or Ato Kwamena’s recent white wedding as a persuasive precedent.
My friend says, the regular bedroom quarrels soon graduated into bitter fights and there were days the two did not say a word to each other. Families came in quite early to help scrutinize issues and fix the problems, but like stubborn grass, the problems kept re-germinating themselves at different spots of the compound.
The fundamental cause of it all is that, the couple have been struggling to pay for the loan they took as their current far from work residence is costing them a lot in transport to work---and also, giving out regularly to both sets of in-laws is a bank breaker.
Their sex life is totally ruined; if they are not even talking, how do they have sex? Apparently, whoever is lucky to shower early sleeps on the bed---the other sleeps in the sofa and that’s been the case for weeks.
Though my friend is yet to break the pitiful news to his parents, from what he told me, he is done---he can’t keep up else he would be knocked down by a speeding car. He’s stressed, partially depressed and fully unsatisfied with his marriage. He has regretted this journey which was coated with a lot of gold by almost everyone they trusted, including the church.
Several posters are all over Accra, calling those who are single to come for the key to their marriage---neglecting the crucial factor, which is, the sustainability of marriage and the financial horsepower needed to keep a marriage in place.
Instead of society teaching young adults that white weddings remain a luxury, belonging to those who have the exponential means, they present this fantasy in abstract as though it’s for each and everyone on the spectrum of financial potency. Somewhere in Germany, another classmate of mine got married last year to a handsome Italian man and from what she told me, their marriage which is equally legal cost them less than 500 Euros---and their marriage followed a great achievement, that’s they’ve bought their first property together. Back in Ghana; the status of a woman is defined by marriage and even that, those who get to have a white wedding occupy the upper-echelon. It’s no more a subtle conversation, the church is bold on this and the family is pretty loud on this too.
If a young man has to borrow or clear all his savings account to marry you; then that’s a recipe for disaster---it’s unhealthy, unnecessary and grossly stupid. Unfortunately, this is abundantly happening, an indication that many of us are possessed by the white wedding demon that has taken hostage of our reasoning faculties.
I am deeply sad my friend’s marriage hasn’t worked---I would have at least been happy if his debacle was going to serve as a catalyst of change, but I know it wouldn’t. Society and its many institutions have failed many people in this quarters and as such, many more will fall for the ostensible relief and high status white weddings grant.
Perhaps, it's for the good that some of us are struggling to even have a stable boyfriend---because, financially, we can't even afford a decent 3 square meals, let alone contribute to a white wedding
The writer, Akosua Abebrese is a columnist at brutallyuncensored.com and ghanacelebrities.com.
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Why impose foreign culture on yourselves and suffer like this? That is not our culture, and for these pastors, the least said the better. They urge young couples on because, during the wedding, the first offertory is for their own personal use. unfortunately, they don not even tell the church members that the first offering is for the pastors. After the invitees empty their pockets, then they now announce that the congregation should donate to support the new couples. So u see why they tell u that traditional marriage is no marriage? pure robbery-***barred word*** in suits!
HMMMMMMMMM SORRY FOR THEM I PRAY THEY GET WELL SOON BUT ME I PRAY I NEVER GET INTO THIS POST COLONIAL TRAUMA SYNDRAUM CALLED 'WHITE WEDDING'
The truth of marriage is whether you spent so much on the ceremony or not you must be determined to work hard to keep the marriage healthy,especially in the first years.My experience is if you're not patient and tolerant in the first and second years of marriage you'll quit.Man tell yourself no matter what,this my wife and I'll let the marriage work,and I can assure you,you'll pass the test.
@Rosie, you said it all. Writer sounds kind of bitter. But look, marriage is hard anyhow...whether you are financially prepared or not. N writer I’m sure after you get married you’ll understand. As for the extravagant weddings, I always ask myself (whether the couple are well to do not)..why are they doing this? I’m not in support of the pomp and pageantry but that being said, surviving the early years of marriage is the real deal. It takes more than just what you writing in your piece today; it’s hardwork, patience, tolerance, humility...and a whole lot. If you don’t hv the patience to grow through your first year, divorce would definitely be an option, whether you borrowed money or not. Marriage takes maturity to work.
I can clearly see that some people did not get the message of the writer. That is why the are attacking her. Hello, this is a Social Science piece and hence has a margin of error. If your white wedding worked well for you it is because your finances worked quite well for you in the first at least two years after marriage. I tell you the truth, any couple, I repeat, any couple who experience financial difficulties immediately after a LUXURIOUS wedding and it persists for the next two years would have quarrels which would likely lead to divorce. Tis conclusion has a 0.000001 margin of error. Simply because by nature every human being knows deep in his/her subconscious mind that luxurious weddings are a waste but we stubbornly tell this still small voice of wisdom from the Garden of Eden to ***barred word*** with our actions and inactions and go and waste money on white weddings. If we are lucky to have our finances working well then the voice remains silent forever but when things go bad financially after the wedding and it persists despite our effort to solve it then that wisdom from the Garden of Eden pops-up and the couple especially the one who spent more on the wedding begins to hate the other. If God wanted marriage to be hyped as we are doing now he would have done it in the Garden of Eden. Even humans with our small brains know how to programme machines to respond to their control how much more God. You think He didn't put something in us to fight against us whenever we decide to use the free will he has given us against his will huh! Those whose marriages survive when they experience financial difficulties immediately after marriage in more than a year are those who have low cost marriage ceremonies. For them they are able to hold on and support each other because the quilt of WASTING money does not hunt them. I tell you the truth, That silent but strong guilt of wasting money on marriage is hidden in EVERYBODY'S HEART but only becomes loud and hunts you when things begin to go from bad to worse financially after marriage. We can never deceive nature let alone try to undo the programming of God. I know some will still challenge what I am saying because they were lucky not to go through extreme financial problems for more than a year after a LUXURIOUS wedding. To those who are yet to marry, if you think what I am saying is not true and still want to have a luxurious white wedding though your flow of income cannot handle it, just go ahead and TRY IT. I rest my case
wow what a nice wonderful piece. my sister is suffering from dis same problem, she took loan and hasnt being able to pay back. their landlord is chasing her waaaaaa, the man was a fuel attendant who was staying with her in their hall and chamber rented house. my sister did all dis just to tell people she has arrived meanwhile their marriage is in cracks... kudos akosua. will be contacting u through ur mail
some idioots ***barred word*** fouoouolls talk as if being single is worse than aids. the day God comes, he will ask for your partners before granting you life or death i guess. go and see how many people are suffering in their marriages. they wish they were single but sadly stuck in there. looks like marriage is the passport to heaven. so many fououoolls without brains living on earth while wise ones like komla dumor and tupac are dead. ah
Thank you Manuel. What a disgrace. I hope she remain single for life.
The church never forces anyone to do a white wedding. If you are reporting for peace FM do your research well. Go ask them. They were given the option of signing too. Which is also done at the church. I had my wedding 5 years after graduating and in my first job. So what's your point?. Your so called friend wanted to impress people now he is in debt he is fighting with his wife. Get your facts straight
GOD BLESS YOU akosua