Anyone can be good in bed. Looks don’t matter. The size of your bits doesn’t matter.
You don’t have to have legs up to your chin, a six-pack, millions of Instagram followers or be rolling in it to be the best lover your partner’s ever had.
What you do need is commitment, practise and a good, working knowledge of your subject. I can’t help with the first two but I can help with the last: here’s some of my all-time-favourite sex tips to transform your sex life.
Choose the right partner
By all means use your head and heart to make your choice for a life partner, but don’t discount your groin. Love without lust is friendship and if you don’t want to get naked when you first meet, imagine how you’ll feel ten years on (yawn!).
Chemistry is a crucial couple connection point: think of it as the skates that help you glide through those rough patches.
Commit to a year of great sex
Make a sex noticeboard. Buy a large whiteboard and two different colour highlighter pens and put it somewhere private but accessible (the inside of a cupboard in your bedroom?)
Now take turns to make a list of your sex favourites.
My favourite place to have sex. Time of the day to have sex. Favourite kissing technique. Where I like being kissed most. Things I’d like to try but haven’t.
Update it at least once a month with new suggestions on things you want to try or particularly enjoyed and you’re set for a year of sizzling erotic encounters.
Never have sex in the same way twice
Change one thing each time you have sex: it’s an easy thing to remember and implement.
A different room, different position, different focus, music on or off, naked or semi-clothed.
Even lying at different ends of the bed helps to trick the brain into thinking you’re doing something wonderfully inventive.
Kiss more often
US evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller studied why long-term couples kiss as years go by and why people find kissing enjoyable in the first place.
He found couples who had 30-second long ‘proper’ kisses rather than peck on the cheek ‘hello and goodbye’ kisses reported extraordinary improvement in their sex life making this one, simple change.
Be emotionally generous outside the bedroom and you might find you have much more fun in it.
Ditch the kids
One weekend away every so often, minus the children, will rescue and rejuvenate your love life more than you could ever imagine.
If you can possibly, possibly swing it, do it. It’s what every sexually active parent swears by to stay sane and sexy – both in bed and out.
A good sex life means a mix of all different types of sex - gentle and loving, lusty and raunchy.
So stop battling over the type of sex you both want, it’s actually healthier to have some of both.
Agree to take turns on the style of sex but - and this is crucial - the other person must agree to absolutely give in to enjoying it.
It can’t be a case of one grudgingly doing it sulkily.
Breathe some fresh air into your love life - literally
The fear of discovery, pounding heartbeats, that delicious shot of adrenalin when you think someone’s coming…anyone who has ever had sex outside knows just how fantastic it can be.
As for the pesky problem of it being illegal to have sex in public, there are ways to indulge in alfresco sex discreetly. It’s called being sensible.
Access each situation carefully, keep as many clothes on as possible and use props to hide behind: a picnic blanket, sarong or beach umbrella disguise a multitude of naughty things.
A tent offers the privacy you need but still feels as though you’re on show.
It’s legal because you’re not in public view but ‘doing it’ as you hear others walking past, dangerously close, feels wonderfully wicked.
The single most potent engine driving sexual desire is our imagination.
Fantasies are nature’s build-in aphrodisiac - don’t edit them to make them ‘normal’.
The whole point of a fantasy is to escape from rule-bound, politically correct, desire-squashing social responsibility! Reading erotica (try Maestro by L.S. Hilton) is a proven way to lift a lazy libido.
Having a fat day? Have sex with a pillow!
Big, firm pillows are great to use during sex.
Not only as support under bottoms but also to hug or place to hide parts of your body that you’re particularly self conscious about.
Transform your bedroom
There are ways to turn your bedroom into an erotic playroom without it looking obvious.
Sound-proofing (heavy curtains, carpets and music playing) means you can relax and make some noise, flattering lighting (tea-lights on saucers or dimmers on your lights) means you’re happier to bare your less-than-perfect bod more often.
Add mirrors: mirrored wardrobe doors (inside or out) don’t look suspicious; a portable full-length mirror you can angle works a treat.
Put a lock on your bedside drawers and stock them with lubricants, blindfolds and sex toys or buy a lockable chest and slide it under the bed.
Redecorate or repaint in sensual fabrics and colours that feel and look luxurious.
Start a ‘sex jar’
An old-fashioned sex therapy trick that still works a treat: each write down 10 things you’d like to try.
Rip into separate points, fold and put all of them into a jar and pick out one a week to implement.
'What if you could do anything you want?'
Ask your partner 'What’s the thing you’d most like to do in bed that would surprise me? Then I’ll tell you.'
If they say there’s nothing they haven’t already done, tell them to make something up.
Believe me, people always have something up their sleeve and letting them pretend it’s ‘made up’ let’s them put something out there to see your reaction without risking anything.
Try no touch turn-ons
Each find some erotic reading material (either a passage from a sexy book or something from the many ‘free erotic stories’ available online) then perch at either ends of the sofa, sitting facing each other.
Now take turns to read out bits to each other, stopping now and then to make intense eye contact as you're reading, but not touching.
Be the one to make the first move
Nothing makes you feel more powerful than being the one who desires.
Instigating sex also lets your partner know you enjoy it as much as they do.
Change the way you have sex
The longer you’re together, the more ‘efficient’ you’ll be sexually.
Sex becomes business-like and brief: you know each other’s triggers and buttons to push and press them accordingly.
Blindfolded, most of us could pick our partners within three minutes of love-making: we all have a certain style of kissing, a certain way of using our hands, tongues and fingers.
This may have reduced you to jelly at the start but ten years in, even the most inattentive lover has figured out what’s to come. (And it isn’t going to be you, long-term.)
Repetition dulls desire.
The easiest way is transform tired techniques is to do some research.
Invest in a good sex book that does the thinking for you (find all of mine on my amazon page), grab some advice online (traceycox.com or goodinbed.com) or…..
Have a bed picnic
You need: a bottle of bubbly on ice, food you can eat with your fingers (chocolate dipped strawberries set the mood nicely) and food you can smear all over each other (honey, ice-cream, cream, yoghurt).
Add a laptop and/or some good general sex books then both of you jump in.
Start by each flicking through some books or looking online to find inspiration to keep things fresh and imaginative.
If you’re not terribly good at expressing yourself, it’s much easier and less embarrassing to point to something and say ‘That looks great – I’d love it if you did that to me’ than it is to say it out loud.
Once you’re both nicely aroused by the thought of all the great things you have in store, start the erotic food fest!
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